DUNCAN — There’s less than a year to go before the 2012 presidential election. After three years of steady campaigning by the people who want Barack Obama’s job (including Obama, for some reason), everyone in the nation is extremely excited about the thought of 10 more months of incessant campaigning.

Everyone except, of course, the public.

And why would you be tingling over the thought of more campaigning? Shrewdly, most of the public pays no attention to presidential politics until all the fringe wannabes have been weeded out and it’s finally time to vote for the candidates left standing.

So what does the public care about right now? Well, as a card-carrying member of the public, what singes my shorts at the moment is telemarketers.

Remember them? Remember how much the public hates telemarketers? How it hates them even more than it hates Iran, Casey Anthony, lawyers (although we elect tons of them to political office) or “customer service?”

And remember 2003? Remember when the Federal Trade Commission implemented the most popular federal program since the Elvis stamp by creating the National Do Not Call Registry?

Remember how it was supposed to work? If you were a member of a select group of people (defined as “humans with phones”) who didn’t wish to receive unsolicited calls from telemarketers, you could go to www.donotcall.gov and register your phone number.

If you registered (which I think we did at my house), all those annoying calls about changing your long distance provider or purchasing a cubic zirconia American flag credit card, with a $1.1 billion line of credit, would miraculously cease.

Remember how the punishment for violating the Do Not Call Registry was to put the offending telemarketer in a room, where they were forced to answer 36 phones that rang 24/7, and listen to people speaking Celtic or Swahili making offers to change their car financing or asking them to contribute to the Free Lilliput movement?

Well, maybe that wasn’t the original punishment. But the law was pretty strict: Each call to a registered number would cost a telemarketer a $16,000 fine.

The Don’t Call Registry was a huge hit with the public, and about 70 million American households signed up in the first three years of the program.

Well, what happened? After a couple years of virtual telemarketer-free bliss, doesn’t it seem the telemarketers are at it again?

At my house, the calls have been picking up for months; calls strategically timed for two minutes into dinner, from people wanting to know if I’m pleased with my long-distance service or if, at that very moment, Karen and I were thinking about having our house reroofed.

Twice in the last week, I’ve received the following call:

Telemarketer: “Hello, is this Mr. Kallee?”

Me: “No, this is Mr. Kaley.”

Telemarketer: “Well, Mr. Klee, this is Betty Bhaktidava from your magazine distribution company. Mr. Kaylip, we’re the ones who handle your subscription to Rolling Stone magazine, and I was wondering if you’ve been receiving your Rolling Tide magazine on time and in good condition, and if you, Mr. Kalily, would like to take advantage of our special offer of 27 years of Rolling Thunder magazine at the incredible price of just 25 drachmas ... er, that would be $7.52 per issue, which I’m sure, Mr. Kalwilly, you’d agree is a tremendous bargain, and in addition, Mr. Kalkan, we’re going to give you a 12-year subscription to Fun With Crochet magazine for the ridiculously low price of just $97 per year and we’ll give you ...”

Me (breaking in): “Look, Betty, I have a lifetime subscription to Rolling Stone I got 10 years ago through the CIRCULATION DEPARTMENT OF THE MAGAZINE. And since I’m still alive, DON’T EVER CALL HERE AGAIN!’

CLICK!

Friends and neighbors, as always, you can’t trust the government to fix anything. Even when it’s intentions are good, the wheels of government still grind to a halt and it’s left up to the public to take care of itself.

So, if you’ve been experiencing the rebirth of telemarketers, here’s what you do: Call the American Teleservices Association, toll-free, at 1-317-816-9336 (that’s the real number), and let them know what you think.

And tell them Mr. Kalkan told you to call.



jeff.kaley@duncanbanner.com

580-255-5354, Ext. 172