DUNCAN — At some point in the life journey we’ve all tried to soften, deflect or completely disown a bad action or false statement by rationalizing and marginalizing our culpability. Regardless how straightforward and honest we try to be, copping out is just part of the human condition.

Apparently, though, it’s not a cop out if you never intentionally meant to do the deed.

What brings this to mind is a classic cop out a fellow made in a CNN news report last week. The story was about a woman who’d lost her home and gone into bankruptcy, in part because she’d listened to a real estate broker and purchased a house she couldn’t afford. (Yeah, I know, shades of 2008.)

Anyway, when a reporter interviewed the broker, at first he hemmed and hawed and tried to crawdad out of taking any responsibility for selling the house to the woman. Finally, the broker said, “I never intentionally meant to lie to her.”

“Never intentionally meant ...”

When I heard the phrase, the first person who popped into my mind was Rafael Palmeiro, the former pro baseball player, who turned out to be one of many “bad actors” during a 2005 congressional committee investigation into steroid use in sports.

Appearing before the committee, when asked if he’d ever used performance enhancing drugs, Palmeiro got all steely-eyed with the politicians. He pointed a finger at the committee members and emphatically stated, “I have never used steroids. Period.”

Problem was, five months later, a report surfaced that Palmeiro had, indeed, tested positive for use of the powerful steroid Stanozolol.

So a month later, “Raffy” was back in front of the congressional investigation committee reading the following statement: “I am here to make it very clear that I have never ‘intentionally’ used steroids. Never. Ever. Period.”

It was a great moment in the history of the “Lexicon of Cop Outs.” I remember thinking: Oh, you never intentionally used steroids, Raffy? Well, that makes this offense totally different.

Hearing the real estate broker use a similar mea culpa in the news story prompted me to imagine other tight squeezes in which I have never intentionally might be used.

The phrase is a godsend for politicians. To wit:

Lyndon B. Johnson: “My fellow Americans, I have never intentionally — and no one in my administration ever intentionally — lied about our progress in Vietnam.”

Ronald Reagan: Contrary to what Ollie North says, I have never intentionally traded arms for hostages.”

Richard Nixon: “Trust me, I have never intentionally been a crook.”

George W. Bush: “I have never intentionally started the wrong war at the wrong time.”

And William Jefferson Clinton could have gone before the camera, looked us square in the eye and said, “I have never intentionally had sexual relations with that woman.”

Then there are practical, day-by-day situations in which I have never intentionally could come in handy.

“No, officer, I have never intentionally driven 113 mph in a 55 zone.”

“Well, boss, I have never intentionally called in sick and then spent the day on the golf course.

“ Darlin’, I have never intentionally followed another woman to a motel.”

“Sir, I have never intentionally left a store with five fur coats I didn’t pay for.”

“You must be mistaken — I have never intentionally dyed my hair.”

“I have never intentionally looked at that girl’s test paper, teacher. I was just stretching.”

“Don’t look at me — I have never intentionally eaten the last brownie.”

“Gosh, mom, I have never intentionally punched my brother in the eye.”

“Gee, Honey, I have never intentionally neglected to put the toilet seat back down.”

In a Modern Age in which so many folks are desperate for new cop outs and creative ways to avoid taking personal responsibility for anything they’ve done wrong, you can imagine how a phrase like I have never intentionally can be applied and embraced.

And if anything you’ve read here seems overly sarcastic, well, I don’t know what came over me. I have never intentionally been sarcastic before.



jeff.kaley@duncanbanner.com

580-255-5354, Ext. 172